R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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