Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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