I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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