insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
