Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I need to align my fucking chakras
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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