Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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