I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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