I hope mine doesn't look like that
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
