What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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