We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
