i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
