Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
