connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
