I'm sorry my penis didn't work
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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