last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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