What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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