that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
