I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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