How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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