So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
