Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
