so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
