You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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