Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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