um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
