peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
