I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
