I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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