Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
