I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
