in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
