I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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