im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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