Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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