He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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