i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
