3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Define "chronic" masturbator.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
