thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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