I wish I could punch you in the face.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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