Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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