im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The best revenge is premature balding
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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