Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
