My Higher Power is John Stamos
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
