New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
