went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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