You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
