So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
