ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
