don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
