Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
